crying feels good sometimes

all week i've been on the verge of crying.  every time i look at the news, talk to a friend from boston or think about the memories i made while i lived there tears well up in my eyes.  

being productive at work this week has proven to be a difficult task.  attempting to keep my head in the right space is impossible when it's clearly somewhere else.  

tonight, jared went over to his sisters house to play some music with john, giving me the house all to myself.  now, i'm not shy.  i don't feel like i need to hide my tears from anyone, least of all j, but this just feels so internal.  so personal.  

it's so difficult to explain.  to process.  to detach from.  

when things go strikingly awry in other countries i feel sadness.  when those same things happen in my country i feel violated.  when those same things happen in a city that i am so familiar with i have found myself stricken with the heaviest heart i've ever known. 

i want to take every person in my arms for a hug.  shake the hand of every officer.  smile at every stranger.  

until i have the opportunity to do each of those things with true and honest conviction i will be practicing here in denver.

i've found it increasingly difficult to keep my chin up this week so last night j and i lay in bed telling one another what makes us happy, gives up hope, and fills us with gratitude.  it was a small practice in a lifelong pursuit of love, grace, and happiness.

tonight however, i've allowed every emotion of the week to wash over me.  

heartache. pain. disbelief. faith. vengeance. compassion. nervousness. love. 

crying feels good sometimes.

i sure do miss you.

//

"so, give me hope in the darkness that i will see the light.  cause oh they gave me such a fright.  cause i will hold as long as you like.  just promise me we'll be alright."  

//

hug one another.  let it go.  start over. 

boston i love you

for those of you who aren't familiar with my story:

nearly 6 years ago i met a guy, fell in love, and moved to boston (this of course is an oversimplification but for the sake of not reliving the past half a decade of my life it will work).

 i had dreamed of visiting boston for years.

the idea of finally not only visiting but making it my home was overwhelmingly intense but i graciously accepted the challenge.  

i instantly fell in love with the city.

i spent my afternoons wandering the streets, popping in and out of little shops, and eating lunch on the docks behind the intercontinental hotel.  

i found corners of that city that i felt were all mine.  places that no one else in all of boston could have found. could have loved half as much as i loved them.

i was in heaven. 

the first job i took was in copley square. a half a block away from the public library. around the corner from the boston marathon finish line.  

i think about boston nearly every day.  every single day.

i think about the decisions that i made to get there and the life that i lead while wandering around.

i wasn't happy with a lot of things about my life at the time but i found happiness in my love for the city.

ask those who visited me while i lived there and they will tell you that i loved showing off boston.  i could talk about the place for hours.  sometimes i still do.

right now all i can do is attempt to hold back tears while i stand in an empty salon and watch the news unfold about the explosions at the marathon finish line.

i will be the first to admit that my love affair with boston has never been smooth but i have never once spoken ill of her.  (the people that inhabit her; well that's another issue all together.)

 

 

boston my darling,

i hope you heal quickly. 

you really were my first big city love.

and, i cannot wait to visit you once again.  

i took these photos while i lived there.  

the second to last photo is of my mom sitting at my favorite place in the whole world, overlooking the bay. 

//

 

hug the city you love the most.  embrace the possibility.  remember it fondly. 

...2 years...

the majority of the time i am proud of the decision that i made 2 years ago to leave boston.  there are, of course, those few moments every once in a while that my heart hurts.  i long for the subway, simple access to the ocean, seafood, and the weird smell that exists on the docks.

one day i'll get back to that fair city but for now i'm content with knowing how i made the right decision to leave.  life makes sense now.  i am happy.  i am surrounded by those that support and love me.  walking away seemed impossible at the time.  staying there seems impossible now.

//

here's to you elizabeth potter.  today marks our two year anniversary of the best road trip we've ever taken together.  thank you for giving me the push that i needed to get out of there.  thank you for taking the drive with me.  thank you for your endless hours of support, devotion and understanding.  thank you for being a part of it all.  there is no way in hell i could have done it without you by my side, holding my hand, the entire way.  you're the best sistercousin i could have ever dreamed of having.

//

//

change your life. take a risk. trust yourself. give it a chance.