Friday, April 19, 2013

crying feels good sometimes

all week i've been on the verge of crying.  every time i look at the news, talk to a friend from boston or think about the memories i made while i lived there tears well up in my eyes.  
being productive at work this week has proven to be a difficult task.  attempting to keep my head in the right space is impossible when it's clearly somewhere else.  
tonight, jared went over to his sisters house to play some music with john, giving me the house all to myself.  now, i'm not shy.  i don't feel like i need to hide my tears from anyone, least of all j, but this just feels so internal.  so personal.  
it's so difficult to explain.  to process.  to detach from.  
when things go strikingly awry in other countries i feel sadness.  when those same things happen in my country i feel violated.  when those same things happen in a city that i am so familiar with i have found myself stricken with the heaviest heart i've ever known. 
i want to take every person in my arms for a hug.  shake the hand of every officer.  smile at every stranger.  
until i have the opportunity to do each of those things with true and honest conviction i will be practicing here in denver.
i've found it increasingly difficult to keep my chin up this week so last night j and i lay in bed telling one another what makes us happy, gives up hope, and fills us with gratitude.  it was a small practice in a lifelong pursuit of love, grace, and happiness.
tonight however, i've allowed every emotion of the week to wash over me.  
heartache. pain. disbelief. faith. vengeance. compassion. nervousness. love. 
crying feels good sometimes.

i sure do miss you.


"so, give me hope in the darkness that i will see the light.  cause oh they gave me such a fright.  cause i will hold as long as you like.  just promise me we'll be alright."  


hug one another.  let it go.  start over. 

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